Conscious Self vs. Self Conscious

I don’t know what age it is when women begin to feel insecure about their bodies. Some would say it is around puberty. We start comparing ourselves to others, enthralled in what the “perfect” woman should look like, and trying to be her. 

This goes on for many years, maybe even forever? Oh please, tell me it isn’t true!

Like most women, I’ve battled with feeling the need to fit an ideal, while also trying to just be myself. Most of my adult life I haven’t truly been present in my body, like an outsider looking in-wondering what I needed to do next to be happy.

Conscious body awareness has brought me to a place where I am comfortable in my own skin. But it hasn’t always been this way.

There was a time where I was always deflecting from the fact that I wasn’t present in my skin or completely happy with who I was. I’ve always been confident, but looking back I can see the periods in my life I wasn’t entirely myself. Spending so much time unaware of how to listen to my inner voice and actually do what I needed to do to be healthy.

When we are young we have a strong conscious awareness of our bodies because we are so active. Being enrolled in gymnastics, dance, karate, or basketball- I was always moving. All of these activities kept me fit and physically in tune.

College is when habits changed dramatically, especially after turning 21. This is when the mornings were for hangovers, the afternoons were for naps, and the evenings were for getting ready for the wild night ahead. I was still always on the go, but in a new way. Not in a healthy way. Eating and drinking to fill voids, Floating above myself, hoping to wake up one day and just fall into being the person I always wanted to be. Not that I had any idea who she was. 

Working in the beauty industry has been so much fun. I still love everything about playing around with fun cosmetic colors, and I enjoy making women feel like their best selves. But, there is also a duel side to working in a superficial industry. Since I was constantly being critiqued about the way that I looked, I always felt the need to be fully dolled up. I lost sight of who I was at the core, underneath all the foundation and eyeliner. My love for cosmetics got to the point where I was using makeup as a mask for my unhappiness, I wasn’t just enhancing what I already loved. It got so bad in one phase I couldn’t even leave the the house without my hair extensions and a smokey eye look. I cultivated this new “self”, but was never ok with just being the natural me. 

The truth about my hair extensions is; at first they were a security blanket. They were purchased after I ended a three year relationship that brought me about 15 extra pounds along with it. Being so unhappy with my reflection, changing up my look felt like the right move. Something about those extra inches of hair made me feel like I was somewhat concealing the weight as well as my unhappiness. I thought I was just enhancing, but was really camouflaging the parts I wasn’t happy with. I knew I had to do something to feel good again. 

Exactly one year later I found myself thinner than ever. I didn’t just wake up that way…I turned to diet pills. I was on amphetamines for probably a good six months that year. NOT ADVISED. The quick fix felt amazing, until it became clear I was depriving myself of nutrition. Not only was I crash dieting on drugs, but partying every single weekend shaking my new body wherever possible. Actions became robotic, like someone was controlling me with a remote. I just traded my old habit of overeating for a new one-hardly ever eating. Slowly becoming skinnier and skinner, blonder and blonder, as the old me disappeared completely. 

It was on my travels abroad two years ago that I was finally able to connect to the real me. Becoming comfortable with the idea that I could be Tyguenne without the hair, makeup, and wardrobe. No one I met in Bali or Thailand was concerned with what brand I was wearing. No one looked at me side eyed because I wasn’t wearing makeup. No one cared that my hair was air dried and not brushed. I felt like for the first time in a long time I could be in my own skin and not be judged.Traveling opened this door for me to be myself, because I was surrounded by people that were doing the same thing. Our surroundings are very important for maintaining our healthy or unhealthy habits. We can’t control everything in our environment, but there are factors we can influence. The people we surround ourselves with, and the choices we make every day can lead us in a healthy or unhealthy direction as quickly as a blink of an eye. 

My travels also opened me up to meditation which played a huge role in my arriving into myself again. Finally being present with the true essence of my being, not just who I imagined myself to be. 

It was at this time I also discovered yoga as a powerful tool in being present with myself. Connecting with my body in a way that made me aware of parts of me I had ignored for those few years. Attending a yoga class gave me 90 minutes of “me” time, time that I hadn’t been giving myself previously. 

Yoga and meditation have all helped me descend back into my body and be truly present. Now I see my body shifting as I continue to push through my physical edge, challenging myself to be the best I can be-for me. More recently I ditched my weave and push up bra. I still love the ability to enhance and play-but its so different now that I am finally aware of me, and welcoming her with open arms.

Every single day I feel myself arriving more present into my body. When I am getting my daily meditation, exercise, clean food, and surrounding myself with positivity I am fully in my skin. That is where I intend to stay. 

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Zen AF 

I am zen as fuck. Well, at least I am trying to be. Let me be clear, I will not be running away to a Buddhist monastery tomorrow to become a nun. I am working on being zen as fuck so I can live to my life as happy as humanly possible. 

The past two years have been an active mission in finding my inner peace. I have been working to create a new reality for myself after realizing my previous habits were not serving my greater purpose. I have drastically shifted my life from waiting for things to happen to me, to putting everything I have ever wanted into action. I have harnessed my inner strength, and followed my intuition to get me to where I am today. 

The event that really sparked this change for me was opening up my world to new experiences while traveling abroad. 

On my first solo international travel adventure I stumbled across something that took my personal shift to the next level-I visited a Vipassana mediation retreat in Koh Phangan, Thailand. 

Vipassana is an ancient meditation technique, and it means “to see things as they are.” It is the practice of mindfulness, being completely in the moment.I spent ten days at a Buddish monestary, seven of those days in complete silence. 

Before attending the retreat I had been dabbling in mediation. I was reading some books here, and there.

See Wherever You Go, There You Are for one of my favorite books

I had been attempting to practice my sitting mediation on my own without much instruction, thinking I was mediating, but not realizing just how deep I could really go. 

I was so green going in. After spending ten days focusing on nothing but meditation at the retreat, I finally reached new peaks I doubt I would have ever reached on my own. 

I arrived at the retreat blissfully ignorant, and I truly left feeling more awakened after a very powerful ten days.  

Since then, I have lived my life so differently after being consciously aware of my unhealthy attachments. Realizing I don’t need a lot of things to be happy. 

I learned how to take back full control over my mind, rather than letting my mind control me. I now know I can train my mind to be blissfully happy, not letting silly things affect me like they used to. I am in complete control of my own happiness. Nothing from the outside world can bother me unless I allow it.The silence part of the retreat was key in learning that I needed to consciously try to choose my words more carefully, not giving into the habit of talking just to talk. Knowing that beautiful things happen in silence, and there is nothing awkward or scary about it.

Words should be two things- true and useful. I didn’t realize how much bullshit we all really do spew on a daily basis until I spent time in silence. 

Because this place affected me so greatly the first time, I decided to try it again this month. Although I was at the same setting, I had a completely different experience, in every way possible. This was a blessing and I am so grateful for the lessons I learned this time around. 

I want to give a glimpse into what the ten days actually looked like, because I want everyone to be zen AF! I highly recommend anyone who has the chance to try out a mediation retreat. 

I attended a reatreat that stripped us down to the basics. True Vipassana centers run on a donation basis, so you are not required to pay anything outrageous. The idea is-you donate so that others can continue to experience Vipassana too. With that being said, it is key to realize that you are sacrifing any luxuries you may receive at a hotel on the beach, like an actual matress or air con, for example. 

In our group about fifteen attendees out of forty five ending up leaving early because they were not prepared for the condition of the facilities, or the difficulty of the intense structure. So this is a real look into what it was like so you can decide if you are up for the challenge! 

It looks intense. It was intense. It is not glamorous. It is not for the faint of heart (hello giant spider roommates). But it works. It is powerful. And it can get you zen AF. 

Daily schedule:

4:00 – 4:30 am Wake-up bell

4:30 – 5:15 am Sitting meditation

5:15 – 6:15 am Chanting / Mindful Yoga

6:15 – 7:00 am Sitting meditation

07:00 – 08:30 am Breakfast / Chores / Bathing

8:30 – 9:30 am Meditation instructions

9:30 – 10:15 am Walking meditation

10:15 – 11:00 am Sitting meditation

11:00 – 1:00 pm Lunch / Rest / Open Awareness

1:00 – 1:45 pm Sitting meditation

1:45 – 02:30 pm Walking meditation

2:30 – 3:30 pm Dhamma teaching

3:30 – 4:15 pm Walking meditation

4:15 – 5:00 pm Sitting meditation

5:00 – 6:30 pm Drinks / Interviews / Bathing

6:30 – 7:30 pm Chanting / Metta

7:30 – 8:15 pm Walking meditation

8:15 – 9:00 pm Sitting meditation

09:00 – 09:30 pm Q&A (optional) / Sleep

If you read that and noticed “dinner” doesn’t exist, it is not a mistake. We ate a simple vegetarian breakfast and lunch, and fasted the rest of the day and night. This was a little difficult for me both times around. I would often find my meditations turning into food wet dreams, it was definitely a distraction at times.

The first few days are difficult, but you realize food is such a habit, or social event as opposed to eating when we actually need to. This style of diet made me feel so amazing and clear, I wish I had enough willpower to implement it in my daily life. 

I also accepted the challenge of fasting for a whole day and it helped me recognize how much food really does have a hold on my mind. I was never actually starving, my mind was just telling me I was because I couldn’t go eat spring rolls and noodles whenever I wanted. I praise the few students that fasted for a full five days, I am thouroughly impressed! 

Here is what the accomodation was like:I started out in a two person dorm, which is basically a small concrete box. A few days in I was blessed with the luxury of moving into my own wooden cabin since an older woman decided to leave early because the set up was not for her. The plus side was more space. The downside was a half open roof and many holes in the structure leading to unwanted houseguests-HUGE spiders, even larger geckos, and lovely cockroaches.I had my own space for about two days until I had my favorite houseguest: Thaila. She spent a few nights sleeping on my floor, and a few nights sharing that twin sized foam mattress with me. We had some hilarious adventures together. Although, we spent most of our time plopped in front of the fan trying to keep from dying of heat stroke. Last time, I spent the entire retreat in silence. This time, my silence was broken day three when Thalia came to me for advice, and we bonded so NOT in silence the rest of the retreat. There were a few others, who will not be named, that I chatted with too. We always had deep conversations about our learnings and our struggles, and it was amazing to connect on a deep level in such an intense setting. 

I discovered that creating meaningful relationships is more important to me than my own inner silence, and I loved learning that one. This was great, because it gave me a realistic setting for mediation. In the real world it’s rare we get even two seconds of silence, let alone seven days. 

Now let’s talk about the bucket showers. Ah, the bucket showers. I have touched on this before in my previous post “Princess” Life, but there is no way I could skip over the bucket showers here. There is a need for multiple showers a day with the crazy, humid, heat in Thailand. Not to mention the dress code is strict and you must cover shoulders and knees in loose fitting clothing at all times, so you’re not in ideal clothing for the climate. There is no shower head, no running water….see for yourself. Despite the lack of award worthy amenities, when you are zen AF it doesn’t matter. The point is, nothing can phase you when you’re actively in control of your mind. True bliss is possible separate from all the fancy frills of material attachments. 

This time around we had the great privilege of joining the monk down the hill to the village for his morning food offerings. It is a monks’ duty to go down to the villagers every morning at 6am and collect food offerings and in return he offers blessings. We trailed silently behind and just observed. The food the monk collects will be the only food he consumes for the day. Usually he had so much food he would share with us or the other monks. It was cool to see the beauties in the Thai culture, and how generous all the villagers were. I could go on, and on about the facilities of the retreat. I can talk even longer about the insight I gained in those ten days. The moral of the story is-I highly recommend attending a mediation retreat. I also recommend researching and understanding the intensity of the program and going when you feel you are ready. If you have any questions please feel free to comment and I’ll answer! 

So much love and gratitude to the amazing group of beautiful souls I had the pleasure of meeting! Want to know more? Stay tuned for a podcast where I read from my journal about some of the insights that came to me during my mediation and lectures at the retreat. 

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The Next Shift

If you’re following along on my wild journey via Facebook or Instagram, you know I have been bopping around South and Central America hitting 5 countries in 3 months. My next move may surprise you, or maybe it won’t at all! 

Before this trip began, I had an idea in mind-I would find a country I am absolutely in love with, and I would stay awhile.

I’ve explored the mountains of Peru.I spent time in the most notorious city in Colombia.I was on the gorgeous coast and islands of Panama. I stayed in amazing beach towns in Costa Rica.I’ve enjoyed more beautiful beaches in Nicaragua. I have visited some amazingly beautiful places, and made great friends along the way. I am so glad I decided to explore the Americas! 

More importantly than my hunt for the most gorgeous beach, I have really been searching to be a part of something bigger than myself. I have been craving a new sense of purpose, and an evolved reality. 

This trip has provided me opportunities to dive into multiple forms of self exploration: past life regression hypnosis, energy healing, a sacred medicine ceremony, and many forms of yoga. Now, I am looking to take my learnings and take one giant leap forward. 

There is a magical place in this world I have already found this overwhelming sense of belonging and evolution. A place that changed my life for the better, so I am going back!

Thailand 

I have been looking for my Thailand, and nothing quite compares in my eyes.

So Honey, I am coming home! 

Unlike my “No Plan Plan” in South America-I do have a plan for Koh Phangan, Thailand. 

Wat Kow Tham 

Two years ago I attended a vipassana mediation retreat at Wat Kow Tham. Spending 10 days in silence at this amazing monastery changed my life forever. The sheer joy one experiences from mediating all day and not speaking a word is something I feel everyone should experience if they get the opportunity. It is time for me to go again to feed my mind, body and soul. 

Ananda Yoga Teacher Training

All the stars have aligned. The universe has been working to deliver multiple messages that this is my next big move. 

It became crystal clear to me after missing an evening yoga class here in Nicaragua. A few of my hostel mates and I went to the other side of town only to realize the yoga studio we were looking for no longer existed. 

After eating dinner and enjoying a few passion fruit mojitos, my friend Veronique and I came back to the hostel and I led us in an impromptu yoga class outside. 

Now I am no pro, let me tell you. I have only been practicing regularly for about a year in a half. Yoga has become such a powerful healing tool for me. Yoga has kept me grounded and allowed me to tap into deeper layers of my soul. I knew one day I would absolutely take a teacher training course, but didn’t feel ready yet. 

After this fateful evening at my hostel in Nicaragua, with one brave willing participant, I realized I AM ready now. There is nothing holding me back but myself. 

I am eagerly ready to learn, and eventually share the gifts I have received from so many amazing yoga teachers. I have been blessed with the opportunity to practice under so many beautiful souls, the idea of trying to do what they do is a little bit scary, I must admit! 

A few things this journey has taught me is to follow my heart, trust my gut, and throw doubt out the window. So that’s what I am going to do. Trust my intuition and know I am ready for this next shift. My 200 hour teacher training is step one. 

I am creating my new reality. The best part: I fly home on Christmas Day and get to spend 3 weeks at home in Sacramento before my flight out of San Francisco! 

I will be catching up with loved ones, repacking my bag, studying for my training, and waiting for my Thai visa to arrive! 

See you soon Cali ❤️

Follow me on Instagram for updates! 

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Here’s the Deal

Many people ask me how I am living this life. Quitting my job in America, again, and roaming the world freely. 

Some assume I inherited money. 

Other assholes assume I am being funded by a sugar daddy. 

Just to set the record straight-neither are true. 

Want to know the secret? 

I worked my butt off for a whole year to save up-that’s it folks! 

I worked a full time job while driving Lyft on the side before, and after my shifts to make it happen! 

After staying in Thailand for 6 months in 2016, while living out of a bag I packed for a two week vacation, I realized there were so many expensive things back home I was addicted to. Things I formed an attachment to that were no longer serving me once I realized how little I needed to be truly happy. 

It became apparent that most of my adult life I had been filling a void with these things I thought were making me happy. If anyone challenged me that some of the things weren’t necessary for my existence, I would swear to the ends of the earth I still needed these things to survive. 

I had started to form my identity off these things, it was how I lived my life, it was all I ever knew, and it was ridiculous. 

I would justify for hours that I needed a whole new outfit every weekend if I was going out.

I needed my acrylic nails and hair extensions. 

I needed to go out to happy hour and dinner at least three time a week.

I needed the hottest new lipstick shade and the most expensive eyeliner. 

I needed to go on that weekend Vegas trip every few months. I felt so liberated realizing I didn’t need these things at all. In fact, chasing them was just making me miserable.

It finally hit me, if I eliminated these silly needs from my life I could actually save quite a decent amount of money and take a meaningful trip of a lifetime. And that’s exactly what I did. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still had fun while I back home in the states this past year. This time, I was just actutely aware of every dollar. I made sure to be extremely conscious of what I was spending. 

By being aware that I didn’t need to shop, eat out often, or pamper myself I shifted my priorities and went into full on “save mode”. 

As I am here on the road, I live day to day very consciously and as if I don’t have money. I’m not flat broke, but I’m definitely not rich. 

The goal is for my funds to take me as far as possible, and for that to happen I have willingly made sacrifices. 

The thing is, I don’t see these sacrifices as just giving something up, I am gaining so much more by letting a few things go. I want to feel fulfilled with every dollar I spend. 

I am not in vacation mode. I am in traveler mode. Travel mode is much different than doing tours all day, drinking Mai Thai’s on the beach, all while wearing my brand new sundress. 

Hey, I’m not knocking vaycay mode! I’m just pointing out there is quite a difference.

Allow me to explain travel mode.

My ideal budget is $10 a day, not including travel costs (ie: bus/flights) or extra add on activities (i.e: Machu Picchu). 

$10 in the perfect world would equal $5 on accommodation, and $5 on food. Breakfast is preferably included in the stay, so I just need one more meal and a few snacks (ie: chocolate) to get me through the day. 

Spending $15-$20 a day has been more realistic so far, $10 on accommodation, and then other $10 for food. I was most recently in Costa Rica, which is more expensive than I would like when it comes to food and activities. 

I’m not completely limiting myself, there are things I will invest in. I have splurged on the fancier bus, the convenient taxi, a sushi dinner…but these are the exception, not that rule. 

Here at a few examples of what my travel mode looks like:

My excursions are limited

I don’t do the typical tourist adventuring unless it’s free or cheap. I pick and choose my activities wisely before engaging because I can’t do it all. I stick to the free activities like hikes and beaches, with activities I have to pay for just sprinkled in. 

I can experince the country by just being there and exploring on my own each day rather than always having a planned excursion. Hey, all I need is a beach and some good company and I am a happy camper! 

I am crossing countries via bus 

In the beginning of my trip I spent and lost wayyy to much money on flights. Unfortunately, there was a situation in Peru where I was not able to board a flight to Colombia because I didn’t have an exit flight booked. Traveling you hear about these nightmare urban legends, but it happened to me! Needless to say, I wasn’t able to board the plane. Lost out on $400 while having to book another $400 flight in the process. Painful! 


Buses are the cheapest way to travel, but definitely not the most glamourous. I have been packed into a 12 person van with 15 people. I have had to stand up during a 30 minute ride in a school bus that was winding through crazy roads. I have been in 85 degree heat, with leather seats, and no AC. I have been stuck on a bus for 3 hours with no bathroom stop until I cried to the bus driver to pull over for me. But, it’s the cheapest way to go, so I’m in! 

Eating like a college kid (sometimes)

When it comes to food I can be a health nut, but out here it is all about balance. I usually crave a huge salad, veggie burger, or a burrito most days. There are some days I eat out and enjoy glorious meals, other days I eat ramen noodles and PB&J, or just fruit. It’s ever changing, but the common theme is my meals are basic and therefore cheap. I’m all about the value when it comes to the grub!

I enjoy few and far between personal space 

I am staying in hostels for accommodation. For those not familiar with hostels outside the horror movie, let me explain. 

Hostel rooms are dorms with anywhere from 4-16 bunks beds in a room. So just like summer camp, it is completely shared space. These rooms usually have 1-2 shared bathrooms inside, or outside the room. Sometimes the shower and toilets are literally outside. 

Luckily, I am able to build myself a fort if I get the bottom bunk, it’s almost like my own room!

 

I am hand wash my clothing 

Laundry is one of the most annoying expenses, you don’t even have to think about it at home when you have a washer and dryer in your place. It’s not always cheap to get a load of laundry done. It could cost anywhere from $2-$10 a kilo. Crazy! 

I try to hand wash my clothes once, and then take to the laundry the second time. I still enjoy that “fresh out of the dryer” crispness! I bought an amazingly convenient clothesline that I can hang from the dorm bed posts to dry my laundry after washing with detergent in the sink. Mom would be proud! I’ve it said before, it’s not all glitz and glam on the road! I have had to make decisions about what is important to me and what I want to accomplish while traveling. I know now I enjoy the simple things in life and the times I have to rough it are often the most memorable.

I worked hard to save up, and I am sacrificing the glamour for the experiences of a lifetime. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else! 

If you have ever considered taking your own trip and have questions about how to make it happen, I’m here to answer as best I can! 

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The Adventures of my Maleta Grande 

I confess-I’m a faux backpacker. Instead of carrying a 30 liter Osprey backpack like most travelers I see, I am lugging around a 54 pound beast of a suitcase. 


When people see it their eyes bug out of their heads and I hear things like:

“THAT’S you’re bag?!”

“Ayy ayy ayyy es muy grande mami!”

“How many pairs of shoes do you have in there?”

“Man girl, is your ex boyfriend in here?!”

Before you say, “Omg, what were you thinking?!” 

Let me tell you. 

This was a perfectly planned out move for the following reasons:

1. I have an awful neck and lower back injury thanks to gymnastics and kneeboarding in my teenage years. Carrying a backpack would only ensure I have a hunchback, or I be bed ridden by the age of 35. No thank you! 

I want to be comfortable rolling my luggage behind me with zero strain. I want to feel at ease without literally the weight of my world on my shoulders!  

2. Have you ever tried to live out of a backpack? I haven’t, but I have watched fellow travelers in action. When you need that one specific shirt, and it’s in the packing cube at the bottom of the backpack, so you must take everything you own out, grab the shirt, and then meticulously place everything back justttt so…because if you don’t- you won’t be able to close your bag. 

Helllllllll no! I want to open my suitcase and hear angels singing because I can see everything I own and reach what I need within 1.5 seconds. This is my house for the next however many months, I need accessibility here! 

Now don’t get me wrong, my luggage has definitely been a pain in my ass at times.

For the most part, I can handle the oversized load myself. I can inch my bag up stairs, step by step with only breaking a small sweat.

I can also manage rolling it down stairs using gravity to drag it down behind me. The wheels make a god awfully loud noise when I drag it, like a bomb is going off every second…but it gets the job done! 

There have however, been a few instances where I require major assistance. Thank god for amazing locals who are (almost) always willing to help! 

Like this hometown hero, who literally carried my life on his back, on a muddy trek, through the jungle. I’ve never been so impressed. On his shoulders! What a gem! Ps-that swamp on the left is FULL of crocodiles.


Also, this taxi driver who carfully places my bag in the front seat like a child, and was considerate enough to strap my baby in. I love the extra TLC!


Thank you-to the men that have crawled in the luggage space underneath the bus to fish out my bag all the way from the back! 


Thank you-to the sweet hostel associate who was half my size, and insisted taking my bag upstairs for me! 


An even bigger thank you to, the few and far between, airline workers who didn’t charge me a fee even though I was 3 kilos overweight.  

Although, I have had to shove heavy items under my shirt to remove weight from my suitcase, and since nothing more will fit in my carry on. I ain’t paying those overweight luggage fees, not on my budget! If anyone asks, I’m 4 months preggo.


I am grateful in advance for anyone else who assists me carry, drag, load, or unload my oversized suitcase on this trip. 

I don’t care who laughs at my maleta grande, this is my current “home sweet home.”

My bag will continue to take a physical beating as I lug it all over the world. We have seen 4 beautiful countries so far, let’s see what sort of adventure we get into next!

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Turning 30

I am always striving to be the best version of myself, especially at this juncture in my life.

I am about to turn 30 years old in a few days, and I find myself thinking back to how I envisioned my life would be at this point. 


Like most children, I was conditioned to believe at 30 I would have a booming career, white picket fence in the ‘burbs, a happy marriage, and children at the “old” age of 30. 

In my teenage years, I realized I would prefer to have a booming career, retro apartment in a big city, a few casual boyfriends, and a small dog. 

Days away from 30 and I am currently unemployed, living out of a suitcase in South America, in a long distance relationship, with no dependents of any kind. 


Funny how that works right? 

The beauty is I have chosen to defy the social norms and try something new- just to see how it suits me. Why not? I mean I am only 30 for goodness sakes! I have the whole world ahead of me, and I know that now! 

On the same token, I am “technically” an adult. I know I have responsibilities as a citizen, but I also know they are different than the ones society has always tried to press upon me. 

The general public in my country says I “should”:

Own property, or else I am irresponsible.

Pick a career and stick with it, or else I’m lazy.

Procreate asap, or else I am selfish. 


I understand why people feel the pressure from our matrix-like culture to run on a hamster wheel and just do what “everyone” else is doing, just because “everyone” is doing it. The pressure is unreal to conform to societies ideals. Most people don’t want to feel like the black sheep, or go against the grain because it feels so taboo to not be widely accepted. 

I say fuck it. 

I want to try something different and see what happens! Because I know there is a better way. Other people have found this improved quality of life, and I want it too. 

Recently it has become “trendy” to travel. But it’s not only for the instagram content, despite what it may seem sometimes.  It is also not just about ditching responsibility and aimlessly traveling the world.

Nomands and expats are on a misson because we have realized there is SO much to experience on the road outside the four walls of our hometown. The momumental impact travel has on your spirit truly is priceless. 

Yes, I have some awesome photos, and yes I am having a blast everywhere I go. But there is so much more to what I am doing than just what social media portrays. It is about the personal journey


It is about self growth.

It is about spirituality.

It is about a wider education of the world.

It is about freeing onseself from confinement. 

It is about connecting with different people. 

It is about a freedom that can’t even be described, because you must feel it.

I have made the conscious decision that my 30’s aren’t going to be about obtaining the things people think I “should” have. 

I know I’ll be going back to America eventually, and I know I’ll need a job and a place to live. I know I’ll have a relationship, and eventually children, and the dog. But for now, my goals are coming from a different angle.

My goals are to be the best person I can be.

To have a career that serves my higher purpose.

To take better care of my mind, body, soul.

To feel inner peace.

To deal with all my internal shit.

To shrink my ego.

To surround myself with like minded people.


I am working on a new complex piece of myself every single day out here on the road. Uncovering more and more about myself through every experience.

One day I am learning patience, when dealing with loud ass roommates in my dorm.

The next day, I am diving deep into a hypnosis and past life regression session to learn more about distant energies I may be holding onto. 

After that, I learn I REALLY need to stop eating junk food because I am sick to my stomach after stupid late night chocolate and chips cravings. Am I ever going to learn my lesson on this one??

Then, I wake up and read my book on nueroscience and how to refire my brain to be happy and manifest what I desire. 

At night, I go out to a bar only to understand drinking and dancing on bars no longer feels “good” like it did at 21. I feel like a wreck. 

Then, I yogi out, write in my journal, and reflect on my feelings. 

Next, I zen out and meditate all day while fasting. I then embark on a natural medicine ceremony that opens up a whole new dimension and awakens a new part of my soul I’ve been avoiding.

The next day, I get into a sticky situation at the airport where I feel unsafe and scared, and need to find a solution quickly to avoid being stranded only to have a nervous breakdown and need to learn how to deal with it. 


I am more consciously aware then ever before that every experience is a new lesson molding me into the person I want to be, if I chose to learn from them that is. 

I am about to be 30, and I view this current chapter as a sacred time to truly shape who I want to be for the rest of my life. 

This journey for me is to learn about the inner depths of my soul so that I can use that as fuel to hopefully inspire others to do the same. 

I constantly want to grow, I constantly want to be better. Not better for my ego, but better for the world. 

thebeautifulshift2 Comments

Without Seeking 

Try to live today without seeking

Walk the streets without hoping 

Miss a soul without longing

Love without looking 

Allow without holding

Stop trying to achieve perfection

You are already perfection 

These are reminders to myself 

LIVE 

Day in and day out I find myself needing to take a pause. A pause to ensure I am not externally seeking. 

There are so many questions I would love to have all the answers to:

What am I supposed to be doing with my life right now? 

What do I want my career to be?

What kind of person do I want to be? 

Where do I want to live? 

Who do I want to surround myself with? 

There are many externals ways in which I find myself seeking for the answers to these questions. I have no problem admitting that one of my biggest fears in life: making the wrong decision. 

Sounds silly right? It’s inevitable that I will make a decision that may not be the best choice presented- I can guarantee it has already happened countless times! I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. 

Even then, for some reason I still can’t help but feel like I need to go on quests to find the “right path”.

How do you like that contradiction? 

I believe everything happens for a reason and I whole heartedly need to surrender myself to that.

What I do know, is everything I am looking for is here in the moment. The more I seek, the more I miss. It’s not about the search, it’s about the now.

I am learning not to seek. 


WALK
If there is anything I have learned over the past few years it is to follow my internal compass, it is the best possible form of GPS. 

We all know the phrase “follow your heart.” 

Well, your internal compass is the direction your soul is pointing you. 

Your internal compass leads you moment by moment-and it’s up to you to listen.

Have you ever had a feeling you shouldn’t go down a certain street, and you do it anyway? Only to have your phone pick pocketed or something equally as traumatic? 

Or the complete opposite, you make a gut decision to go right instead of left and end up meeting an amazing new friend you never would have crossed paths with otherwise? 

Follow your internal compass, it knows the way. 


MISS 

Living life on the road there are so many people I miss back home. I have the best family, I’ve surrounded myself with amazing friends, and then there is also the one who has my heart. 

While I miss everyone at home, I know whole heartedly I am supposed to be here right now. I can’t get caught up in longing for who (or what) I don’t have in front of me. I have everyone in my heart and that is enough! 

LOVE 

Loving without judgment is one of the most beautiful human actions of all. The feeling of love is the most amazing of them all. To be able to meet someone and have an instant connection regardless of predjucices, whether it be a plantonic love or a passionate fury. 

I’ve always been very against long distance relationships, from what I understand they never work. That’s a block I’ve had in my head for as long as I can remember. Which would make it very fitting that when I decided I was going to travel, I also decided my romantic relationship was going to end. 

A series of fateful, beautifully romantic events led me to experience a change of heart and embark on a type of relationship I never envisioned myself in. 

Has it been difficult? Yes! But to feel these warm and fuzzy feelings while still (miles) away, my heart has opened up in ways I never knew were possible. I see now that I don’t need someone right in front of me to feel unconditional love. 


ALLOW 

I like to believe the universe is in control of what is around the corner for us. We have the free will to follow our internal compass, or not. Our compass will always lead us to our higher purpose, we just have to trust and allow our destiny to present itself. 

It is important to accept what the universe has to offer without holding onto any preconceived notions of what we “expect” it to be. 

Stop seeking perfection


You already are perfection. 

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