Sound Before the Shift

I wrote this one month before leaving for Asia.  I never planned to share these private thoughts but looking back, this helps explain what lead me to this major shift in my reality and I think it’s important to share.

“There is so much noise out there in the world. So much to hear, process, and remember.

 I have always been an extremely auditory person. I associate deeply with sound. So many different sounds.

Music is tremendously influential to most, we associate so many memories a song or soundtrack. One of my favorite assignments in college was when my teacher assigned the class to make the soundtrack of our lives. We picked 10 songs and wrote an essay explaining each track and what it meant to us. I had so much fun reflecting on what certain songs meant to me. I now look back and recognize songs I associate with my life-this soundtrack is growing every day.

I recall that assignment often and have since made a current ‘Soundtrack of my Life,’ which is significant as it speaks to who I am as a person. 

I have never learned to master any instruments. I experienced a quick, terribly awful stint playing the flute in 4th grade. Eventually I was switched to procession, which back then meant banging a drum every 10 beats or shaking a tambourine because that was the only thing I could handle without screwing up. I just wasn’t born to be a musical performer.

Singing is also a talent I sadly was not blessed with. I, not so arguably, have the worst singing voice on this entire planet. If there was an Anti-American Idol contest I would win hands down. Yet, I still find an obsession in karaoke. Even with this cognizance, I am somewhere fearless when you place me on stage with at least two other voices drowning me out. Deep down I have rarely ever felt true embarrassment, which is why I can walk out of a karaoke performance wish zero shame. It just makes me happy!

Aside from my inability to start a rock band or try out for American idol tomorrow, music is my life. Why is this?

The things that I hear instantly affect how I feel. 

I am acknowledging how everything I hear impacts me so much, on a conscious and unconscious level. Whether it is noticed or not, everything I hear daily is dictating my every move.

 I am a subliminal advertisers dream!

What am I actually listening to daily?

I hear the voice of my mind, I hear the voice of my heart, and I hear the soundtrack of my life.

The voice of my mind is always at battle with my heart. Which voice is which? Who do I listen to?  Isn’t it so funny how the mind and heart always seem to be like the ‘angel’ on one shoulder and ‘devil’ on the other?  They never seem to be in complete agreement on any given issue.

The mind is all about logic, but can often overthink and confuse things.

The heart is pure, open, and free. The heart is also the quietest of all voices and the hardest to hear. To hear the heart you must take the time to be silent and listen.

Then there is the voice of my ‘ego.’ That little bitch has such a loud voice, she is such an attention whore. She will often overpower all other voices. She lives in my mind, but is another voice entirely. She doesn’t want what is best for me, she just wants attention and doesn’t care where it is coming from. I am learning to ignore her, which isn’t easy in a world where many people around me are being ruled by their own egos.

There are so many external voices and opinions that speak so loudly too. Often they seem like the voice of reason; but sometimes they are just another voice speaking over the sound of the heart. I hear the voices of my family, my teachers, my friends, even my enemies.

I once was in a relationship where I listened to the outsiders views more than my own- completely ignoring the sounds of my heart. Everyone thought he was perfect and thought we were perfect. My friends said, “You have it made! Every girls dream is to have a guy like that!”

So, I stayed with him because it seemed like the ‘right’ thing to do. Even though my heart always knew it was wrong all along. One day I woke up to my heart screaming at me, ‘STOP, end this right now!’ And I did. I listened. As sad as it was, since then I have only thrived.  This taught me I need to trust the voice of my heart when I hear it and not allow any other voices to influence me.

Why is it that listening is naturally one of the easiest things to do, but also one of the hardest when it comes to listening to ourselves?

The need to write my thoughts and my truth has always been there nudging me, yet it is like I shoved this need deep in a drawer and closed it shut.

Each word I shut down, each time I didn’t write, an idea was closed in the drawer. Well now it’s stuffed, and can’t be held shut any longer. This is why it has to all come out. One by one, then all at once.

Well, now my heart and mind are in agreement. And they are shouting at me like never before. ‘This is YOU time! There is so much you have to accomplish and it all starts NOW! Time to turn a new leaf missy!’

It starts with the writing. This is the start of recognizing the different voices of my mind, heart, and ego. This is the time to shut out every other voice but my own.

Where is this all going to lead? I don’t know. I guess that’s the beauty in the journey. All I can see is the staircase in front of me, and I know I am going up from here. In every self-help book or program there are steps, and the steps always start with recognition. Recognizing what is, and what needs to be. Well here it is:  

I’m ready. My mind is calm, my heart is open, and my ego is silent. I’m ready to be free, and to be me.

It is clear in hindsight looking back as I read these words that my soul maybe knew where I was going all along- and I am just now starting to figure it all out.  Although the circumstances and timing were not ideal, I know I am exactly where I need to be and I am finally listening to my heart.